Remembering Jakob

Hello friends, family and those alike. Thank you for taking the time time to stop and read.

If you know me or Jesse, you might know the last two years have been far from easy for us. And if you don’t, or haven’t heard, this is Jakob's story.....brave yourself, it isn’t an easy one to hear.

June 2019, Jesse was taking care of me after I went through surgery on my ovaries for Endometriosis. Changing bandages, cleaning wounds….Our first summer together, how lovely. July 17th brought upon us my 22nd birthday. A day full of celebration and my first trip to Wakano, courtesy of Jesse’s family. Unfortunately, after dinner I felt a wave of sickness, which I attributed to food poisoning from dinner, or my body still not feeling well after my surgery a month prior. Later that night I had the strangest feeling that I needed to take a pregnancy test due to how my body was feeling, even though my test before my earlier surgery was negative. Believe it or not, after a year of being told that my fertility wasn’t the ripest, a big fat positive pregnancy test brought tears to my eyes!!! The following day, Jesse and I went to the doctor to confirm that I was already 9.5 weeks pregnant, uhhh what?!  We were both shocked and confused as to how we went almost two months without knowing we were expecting a precious little bean. Thrilled,  to say the least, we were both so excited to grow as a family and our lives were about to change forever.

Fast forward  to a week and a half later, Jesse and I were watching a movie, when I noticed that I had started to bleed. Alarming isn’t even a strong enough word to describe the feeling. And it was definitely something to be alarmed about. After multiple trips to the ER, I was told I had a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. Basically, a little sac of blood between the baby and my uterus where he should’ve been attached. This usually corrects itself in most women, but unfortunately for me, mine grew bigger and bigger. Which meant blood and lots of it, for weeks. On top of my hemorrhage, I was also suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum, morning sickness that was unbelievably uncontrollable. I lost my appetite AND I couldn’t eat or drink anything without it coming back up, until Jesse found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow: banana popsicles. (I could still go for a nana popsicle to this day.) I think my body has yet to recover from the shock as my appetite still avoids me. Pregnancy wasn’t fireworks and rainbows for us, but I had Jakob, and Jesse, who handled everything so well. 

August 19th, I had the day off from work. I decided to rest and lay in bed as long as I could, but I needed to shower and the oddest thing happened when I went to grab a towel - my vision got blurry and a wave of excruciatingly painful cramps came over my abdomen. Jesse was at work so I immediately called Jasmin, Jesse’s mom, (my second mother) and she rushed me to the ER where I went into early labor.  With Jesse and Jasmin by my side, baby Jakob made his way into the world. The umbilical cord was cut. The D&C was completed and we were discharged from the hospital to continue living our “normal lives.” Jesse and I went home and held each other through the night without a moment of sleep. That was the worst day of my life.

The next morning, we headed to the funeral home with Jasmin to pick out baby Jake’s casket. We even picked out a beautiful hydrangea tree to plant along with his burial. Jesse’s grandma shared her heart with us and allowed us to let Jakob rest on her land in a beautiful garden. Watching Jesse dig our sons grave is an image that will never leave my mind. When he was finished, he picked up an old stone and said “this is temporary, we will get a real headstone one day” and started carving Jakob’s name and birthday on it. Worst day ever part two…

That same stone keeps Jakob company today. August 19th will be two very long and painfully silent years without Jakob Andrew, and I think we are finally at a new phase in our grief.  If you have read this far, thank you. Telling my story isn’t easy for me. Although Jesse and I are no longer partners in a relationship, together we would like to ask, from the bottom of our hearts, for donations towards a real headstone for our son. A real memorial for the little one who brought me so much joy in such little time.

I did not think I could survive the pain of losing Jakob, and I think about him everyday. A piece of myself is watching over me, keeping me strong day to day. If Jakob’s story tells you anything, let it not bring pity or sorrow, but a reminder that you can get through whatever you are going through. His absence is a silent grief but his memory a beautiful lifetime. I am forever grateful to share Jake's story and wouldn’t change a thing about it.

With love and gratitude,

Mazie Hamler