Retired ghost, now real person needs tooth help

This is going to be an oversharing kind of story but if I am asking for help in easing the pain and stress caused by a lost tooth, it's the least I can do.

Then

As a child I didn't feel I had much control over my life. One of the few ways I tried to exert some control was by eating high-sugar foods and then not doing what I thought was expected: brushing my teeth. This is ostensibly disgusting and shameful and something people don't admit. But it is my part in the story and I am accountable for that.

Add this to genetically weak enamel, inconsistent dental care, the anxiety of being the oldest daughter in a large South Asian family (there are Expectations, you see) including a much-loved sibling with severe disabilities, my own undiagnosed adhd, a transatlantic move that I don't think I ever adjusted to, and what you get is a depressed, anxiety-ridden woman who uses her executive function on everyone except herself.

I was a ghost for a long time masquerading as a fun person with a tendency towards low-key hedonism. This sounds funny but the gutpunch truth of it is I thought everyone else was real except me. It didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do to myself because I wasn’t real. The teeth got worse.

Anytime it got bad enough to see a dentist they would just extract the problematic tooth - and I didn’t fight them because what, I thought, is the point? It was an extraction bonanza for a while.

I was told I’d lose the front one at some point because of something unrelated to hygiene: dental resorption (look it up it’s wonderfully creepy and apparently happens to cats too).

Tooth disaster

That time came - the day after my birthday. I was enjoying a pizza with a friend in the sun, drinking in the sight of handsome dudes, cute pooches, light reflections in the canal. The tooth was there, and then it wasn’t. I don’t know, I think I swallowed it haha.

Of course I cried a bit, but because I am who I am, I also squished lemonade out through the gap that afternoon. Then I cried a bit more.

Now

Before the tooth finally kicked it, I’d been on a journey. Thanks to an amazing therapist, I realised I was a real person. I wanted to live and to do it well. I started running, I worked hard in therapy, I tried to be there for my family, I learned about boundaries, I made new friends, I worked and worked on myself.

I got to see a dental psychologist who helped me understand why my relationship with my teeth is so effed up and how I can take back ownership of this area of my life. I got better at caring for my teeth and found ways to cope with the sensory issues I have with brushing and flossing.

After I lost my tooth, I hit another rough patch that led me to a new career path that I am now pursuing. It’s the first thing that’s ever felt vocational: like it is the place for me and I’m excited and relieved but scared as hell. My executive function still collapses in on itself sometimes, but I am trying because I am a real person and I want to live a good life where I make a difference.

As things stand, I’m brushing and flossing even on days it seems like a sinking ship and I’m reframing how I think about caring for myself. I still smile loudly but it's not without a little wince afterwards when I wonder how I must look from the outside now. I want to be able to grin again without fear.

I have been to see several dentists now - the chair reclining back still makes me tremble, but I am doing it anyway. I'm going to be braver still and share my x-ray:

Not good, right? As you can see the extraction bonanza took its toll and I don't have much left to work with. I can still chew on my right side but I have no back teeth on my left. All of that said, the money I am trying to raise now is only to sort out the most urgent stuff. I hope that will give me the confidence to sort out my finances enough that I can fund a solution for my back teeth by myself. It's hard to ask for help.

To sort out the current state of affairs, they need to:

None of this is available to me on the NHS (I tried going through a research unit at King’s too) and I am maxed out on my ability to pay loans (remember that career change I talked about? It’s happening, but it’s taking time and training costs money).

The dentist I saw agreed to a heavily discounted plan, which is why my target is £6500. As things stand the gap presents a bit of a health problem because of bone degradation and will make my long term prognosis not so good (as well as putting a serious crimp on my career and dating prospects!)

I don’t want perfect teeth: what I dream of is the teeth I would have had if life hadn’t transpired to give me my particular set of issues. I love my wonky little tooth remnants and genuinely want to save them. If you are inclined to chuck some pence in to help save the little guys, you will have my eternal gratitude and appreciation.

It’s scary to share this, but I’m doing it because I’m done letting shame hold me in a chokehold. Life is both long and short, isn't it?