The Journey to Rev. Sonia
Donation protected
Greetings!
My name is Sonia Russell and I am a licensed spiritual counselor at Heart and Soul Center of Light in Oakland, CA. My goal is to raise the funds to attend Ministerial School at Holmes Institute starting in January of 2017. The goal of my campaign is to raise the funds to cover tuition, books and any additional needs that go along with receiving my Masters of Consciousness Studies Degree. Below, I have included my essay, and I think it gives you a broad picture of my journey. I can tell you additionally, that the primary reason for attending Ministerial School is that it is my deepest intention, to continue to put down baggage and free myself of old habits and ways of being so that I can pass on as little of it as possible to my child so that when she is ready to take over the world, I won't be in the way.
I am also clear that I must continue to be the change I want to see in the world. I beleive that working on healing myself, heals others. That learning to love unconditionally, helps make the world a better place. This is also me, doing my part at "making a world that works for everyone" a reality. Loving myself, makes loving others effortless.
I am happy to answer any questions or share any additional details if you would like to reach out to me.
I am giving thanks in advance for all if the love and support, prayers and good vibes and I am certain that this need will not only be met, but exceeded.
In Love and Gratitude,
Sonia
Here is my essay:
HOLMES INSTITUTE
Masters of Consciousness Studies Degree Application
The problem with where to start…
In considering my essay, I found myself stumped, what story do I tell, how far back should I go? What was the “most” life changing thing? Where do I start? When I was in my Practitioner Studies the whole concept of changing my life by changing my thinking was mind blowing, it was life altering. In becoming an RScP, I found myself, my real Self. Suddenly, I had stories to tell and wounds to heal. I could categorize emotions and rethink long held beliefs. But how was this all possible? How was it possible that I could take responsibility for my life without blame and shame and guilt? How was it possible that I could use every painful life experience as a teacher instead of a harbinger of doom? How was it possible that I could release the addiction, and depression and fear that I held onto like my favorite old blanket? How was is possible that I could forgive that which I had been told was unforgivable? How was it possible that I could be happy? I had no idea how it was going to be possible, but for the first time in many years, I simply had faith that it was. I had faith that it could be done. No longer was I putting my faith in that which I feared and abhorred. No longer was I putting faith in habits I didn’t want or ideas that I couldn’t find the source of. No longer was anger my default emotion. No longer was life happening to me, I was living my life, consciously and with purpose. I was clear and my life was amazing and I was ready for my ever unfolding life...the problem was with here to start.
So now what?
My Practitioner studies were complete and I was living the dream...well, maybe not The dream, but A dream... Then along came Grace. In May of 2011 my mother was diagnosed with cancer. She came to me at church one Wednesday evening and said “I went to the Dr. they say I have cancer and need chemo and radiation. You don’t get to freak out.” and she walked away. Of course I freaked out. And I prayed and I freaked out and I was sick, and scared and exhausted and I prayed and I freaked out. A week before my mom began chemo, amidst events and a busy life, I discovered I was pregnant. On June 29, 2011 at 39 years old, during the last day of one of my biggest events of the year, I found out I was pregnant….pregnant. My mom was undergoing treatment for cancer and I was pregnant. What the F&%$? So after a week in the hospital doing chemo, and my very short visits because the smell of the hospital made me so very sick...I moved my mother into my one bedroom apartment so that I could care for her during treatment and I could figure out how the hell I was going to raise a baby by myself. Once again, I found myself in the “I have no idea how it was going to be possible”. I had been self-employed for years and barely making ends meet. How was I going to take care of my mom and a baby? What if my mom dies before my baby is even born or if she is really sick right after she is born how will I take care of them both? So in the midst of it all, at the start of my 2nd trimester, I went to Spirit Rock for a 9 day Vipassina style silent retreat and spent 9 days in silence. 9 days where I cried every day, 9 days where I prayed all day, where I sat in silence or walked in silence. 9 days finding my Equanimity (which also, just happened to be the name of the dorm I was in...imagine that). 9 days reminding myself that this was NOT life happening to me, that this was a blessing that I may never know the extent of. 9 days preparing myself for my graduate level life experience of simultaneously running a business, raising a baby and caring for my mother. Okay...This is my life! I’m in! ...So now what?
The Best is Still Unfolding….
Lately, when people ask me how I am doing, I say “Raising a baby, running a business, living the dream.” Right now, I am living THE dream...not A dream, THE dream. Mother of a 4 year old, 14 years running my own business and a world of possibilities before us. May daughter’s name is Grace. I immediately knew that if I was having a girl, her name would be Grace (Grayson for a boy) because I was clear that getting pregnant at the time I did was a Universal Act of Grace. By the Grace of God at 39 years old, I was going to be a mother, and as I prepared for that motherhood, I was also going to heal my relationship with my own mother by caring for her! What a blessing of an opportunity and what a painful, hard as hell, need to muster all my strength opportunity all rolled into one. But this is MY life. My fingerprints, my footprints, my a** print is all over this life. It’s hard and amazing and joyful and confusing. I am happier than I have ever been. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am more at peace than I have ever been. My business is flourishing, my bank account is healthy and my life is good. My intention has been to work less and make more money and as that unfolds I find great joy in spending even more time with my daughter than I do working. My intention is to be active, loyal and supporting in my spiritual community and every day I am given opportunities to lead, to listen, to follow, to be. My intention is to be my very best self so that I can get out of the way of my daughter being her very best self...and what we consider to be “the best” is still unfolding.
My Life Thread is Deservability…
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have all my heart’s desires. I deserve the Abundance of the Universe. I deserve to live a life of grace and ease and peace and comfort. And while my heart knows all these statements to be true, still my mind sometimes tries to convince me otherwise. I spent so many years believing that my life, my deeds, my faults, my shortcomings somehow needed to be atoned for...not necessarily by God, but by “someone”...maybe by my mom or my partner, my minister or my friends. What can I do, who can I be to deserve their love and attention? What can I do to show them that I have let go of my old ways? That I am no longer a heathen! That I deserve love. What can I give them or show them or tell them that would change their minds. Truth is...nothing, because it was never about them. It was always about me. It was about the story I told myself about what warrants being deserving, what warrants love and affection. At a young age, I told myself if I had done better my mom wouldn’t have done drugs or we wouldn’t have been homeless. If only I had tried harder or did a better job doing what I was told to do, things would be different. Had I remembered that “I knew better” then I wouldn’t make so many mistakes and all would be well….but I didn’t and so at that same young age, I decided that I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve all good things, I didn’t deserve to be deeply connected to and born of God. So I was always looking to prove something to someone and it was always outside of myself. The good news is that I was wrong! The good news is that I do deserve to be happy, the good news is that I do deserve to have my heart’s desires manifest. The good news is that my atonement is to the God within me. The good news is that Love is all there is. The good news is that I get it now. It’s not that I don’t still have my moments of being caught up in the lie of unworthiness, but the good news is that I know the Truth now and I just have to remember it...and that my life thread is deservability and I see it and I know it and it is healing.
The Journey to Rev. Sonia
So here I am, applying for Ministerial School. It just so happened that I was watching something on OWN and Oprah was saying something profound about finding your life’s purpose and the importance, the necessity, of doing so. In that moment I heard a little voice say “you should go to ministerial school”. I said “no thanks” and finished my martini. I did however make a note of it on my phone. About a week later, I was meeting with my minister and she asked me about when I had intended to go to ministerial school and while I wasn’t shocked, because I know how God likes to work, I was concerned because I didn’t think I was ready. I was ready for Practitioner Studies. I jumped into Prac 1 with both feet and at the end of year one, I took a break and was a TA for the Foundations Class 4 times in a row. Then I started Prac 2 with a better foundation. I knew it was my path. I was clear. When I decided to start my own business, I was scared as can be, I had no money in the bank, and no idea what I was doing, but I knew I was capable and it was calling me, it was in my heart. When I found out I was pregnant I spent maybe a month being concerned that I couldn’t do it, but then I came to myself I was sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was mine to do and that I was not only capable, but that I would be pretty good at it. Last year, when the idea of starting Holmes Institute came to me, my intellect was not prepared in any way, shape or form. When Rev. Andriette said “I’m going to need you to go to Ministerial School” I was not ready for “that”. Of course, “that” was the idea of who can follow Rev. Andriette? Who can bring the clarity of purpose and the sheer level of skill and wit that she brings? “That” was shoes too big for me to fill, a vision to meaningful for me to uphold in the presence of a blossoming community, a journey that seemed too steep for me, a self-employed, single mother supporting her mother, to achieve. Then I come to myself and I realize that the problem with where to start is that, I am worried about where to start, as if it is possible to start anywhere except where I am now and where I am is perfect. The only thing I need is more self-acceptance and growth and self-love. The answer to “what now?” is the same answer it has always been, trust, have faith, know the Truth. To be present so that I can be grateful and to be grateful so that I can be present. The best is still unfolding as I open my heart to more Love, more Abundance, more Self-awareness more knowing of who I am and whose I am. My life thread of deservability propels and compels me to get out of my own way. To be better every day, while accepting who I am right now. Ministerial school means saying yes to deeper self-love, deeper self-exploration, deeper peace and an acceptance of myself as a woman of power...and so the journey to Rev. Sonia begins.
Here is my annual family Mother's Day photo, with Harriet representing my Grammy.
My name is Sonia Russell and I am a licensed spiritual counselor at Heart and Soul Center of Light in Oakland, CA. My goal is to raise the funds to attend Ministerial School at Holmes Institute starting in January of 2017. The goal of my campaign is to raise the funds to cover tuition, books and any additional needs that go along with receiving my Masters of Consciousness Studies Degree. Below, I have included my essay, and I think it gives you a broad picture of my journey. I can tell you additionally, that the primary reason for attending Ministerial School is that it is my deepest intention, to continue to put down baggage and free myself of old habits and ways of being so that I can pass on as little of it as possible to my child so that when she is ready to take over the world, I won't be in the way.
I am also clear that I must continue to be the change I want to see in the world. I beleive that working on healing myself, heals others. That learning to love unconditionally, helps make the world a better place. This is also me, doing my part at "making a world that works for everyone" a reality. Loving myself, makes loving others effortless.
I am happy to answer any questions or share any additional details if you would like to reach out to me.
I am giving thanks in advance for all if the love and support, prayers and good vibes and I am certain that this need will not only be met, but exceeded.
In Love and Gratitude,
Sonia
Here is my essay:
HOLMES INSTITUTE
Masters of Consciousness Studies Degree Application
The problem with where to start…
In considering my essay, I found myself stumped, what story do I tell, how far back should I go? What was the “most” life changing thing? Where do I start? When I was in my Practitioner Studies the whole concept of changing my life by changing my thinking was mind blowing, it was life altering. In becoming an RScP, I found myself, my real Self. Suddenly, I had stories to tell and wounds to heal. I could categorize emotions and rethink long held beliefs. But how was this all possible? How was it possible that I could take responsibility for my life without blame and shame and guilt? How was it possible that I could use every painful life experience as a teacher instead of a harbinger of doom? How was it possible that I could release the addiction, and depression and fear that I held onto like my favorite old blanket? How was is possible that I could forgive that which I had been told was unforgivable? How was it possible that I could be happy? I had no idea how it was going to be possible, but for the first time in many years, I simply had faith that it was. I had faith that it could be done. No longer was I putting my faith in that which I feared and abhorred. No longer was I putting faith in habits I didn’t want or ideas that I couldn’t find the source of. No longer was anger my default emotion. No longer was life happening to me, I was living my life, consciously and with purpose. I was clear and my life was amazing and I was ready for my ever unfolding life...the problem was with here to start.
So now what?
My Practitioner studies were complete and I was living the dream...well, maybe not The dream, but A dream... Then along came Grace. In May of 2011 my mother was diagnosed with cancer. She came to me at church one Wednesday evening and said “I went to the Dr. they say I have cancer and need chemo and radiation. You don’t get to freak out.” and she walked away. Of course I freaked out. And I prayed and I freaked out and I was sick, and scared and exhausted and I prayed and I freaked out. A week before my mom began chemo, amidst events and a busy life, I discovered I was pregnant. On June 29, 2011 at 39 years old, during the last day of one of my biggest events of the year, I found out I was pregnant….pregnant. My mom was undergoing treatment for cancer and I was pregnant. What the F&%$? So after a week in the hospital doing chemo, and my very short visits because the smell of the hospital made me so very sick...I moved my mother into my one bedroom apartment so that I could care for her during treatment and I could figure out how the hell I was going to raise a baby by myself. Once again, I found myself in the “I have no idea how it was going to be possible”. I had been self-employed for years and barely making ends meet. How was I going to take care of my mom and a baby? What if my mom dies before my baby is even born or if she is really sick right after she is born how will I take care of them both? So in the midst of it all, at the start of my 2nd trimester, I went to Spirit Rock for a 9 day Vipassina style silent retreat and spent 9 days in silence. 9 days where I cried every day, 9 days where I prayed all day, where I sat in silence or walked in silence. 9 days finding my Equanimity (which also, just happened to be the name of the dorm I was in...imagine that). 9 days reminding myself that this was NOT life happening to me, that this was a blessing that I may never know the extent of. 9 days preparing myself for my graduate level life experience of simultaneously running a business, raising a baby and caring for my mother. Okay...This is my life! I’m in! ...So now what?
The Best is Still Unfolding….
Lately, when people ask me how I am doing, I say “Raising a baby, running a business, living the dream.” Right now, I am living THE dream...not A dream, THE dream. Mother of a 4 year old, 14 years running my own business and a world of possibilities before us. May daughter’s name is Grace. I immediately knew that if I was having a girl, her name would be Grace (Grayson for a boy) because I was clear that getting pregnant at the time I did was a Universal Act of Grace. By the Grace of God at 39 years old, I was going to be a mother, and as I prepared for that motherhood, I was also going to heal my relationship with my own mother by caring for her! What a blessing of an opportunity and what a painful, hard as hell, need to muster all my strength opportunity all rolled into one. But this is MY life. My fingerprints, my footprints, my a** print is all over this life. It’s hard and amazing and joyful and confusing. I am happier than I have ever been. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am more at peace than I have ever been. My business is flourishing, my bank account is healthy and my life is good. My intention has been to work less and make more money and as that unfolds I find great joy in spending even more time with my daughter than I do working. My intention is to be active, loyal and supporting in my spiritual community and every day I am given opportunities to lead, to listen, to follow, to be. My intention is to be my very best self so that I can get out of the way of my daughter being her very best self...and what we consider to be “the best” is still unfolding.
My Life Thread is Deservability…
I deserve to be happy. I deserve to have all my heart’s desires. I deserve the Abundance of the Universe. I deserve to live a life of grace and ease and peace and comfort. And while my heart knows all these statements to be true, still my mind sometimes tries to convince me otherwise. I spent so many years believing that my life, my deeds, my faults, my shortcomings somehow needed to be atoned for...not necessarily by God, but by “someone”...maybe by my mom or my partner, my minister or my friends. What can I do, who can I be to deserve their love and attention? What can I do to show them that I have let go of my old ways? That I am no longer a heathen! That I deserve love. What can I give them or show them or tell them that would change their minds. Truth is...nothing, because it was never about them. It was always about me. It was about the story I told myself about what warrants being deserving, what warrants love and affection. At a young age, I told myself if I had done better my mom wouldn’t have done drugs or we wouldn’t have been homeless. If only I had tried harder or did a better job doing what I was told to do, things would be different. Had I remembered that “I knew better” then I wouldn’t make so many mistakes and all would be well….but I didn’t and so at that same young age, I decided that I didn’t deserve to be happy, I didn’t deserve all good things, I didn’t deserve to be deeply connected to and born of God. So I was always looking to prove something to someone and it was always outside of myself. The good news is that I was wrong! The good news is that I do deserve to be happy, the good news is that I do deserve to have my heart’s desires manifest. The good news is that my atonement is to the God within me. The good news is that Love is all there is. The good news is that I get it now. It’s not that I don’t still have my moments of being caught up in the lie of unworthiness, but the good news is that I know the Truth now and I just have to remember it...and that my life thread is deservability and I see it and I know it and it is healing.
The Journey to Rev. Sonia
So here I am, applying for Ministerial School. It just so happened that I was watching something on OWN and Oprah was saying something profound about finding your life’s purpose and the importance, the necessity, of doing so. In that moment I heard a little voice say “you should go to ministerial school”. I said “no thanks” and finished my martini. I did however make a note of it on my phone. About a week later, I was meeting with my minister and she asked me about when I had intended to go to ministerial school and while I wasn’t shocked, because I know how God likes to work, I was concerned because I didn’t think I was ready. I was ready for Practitioner Studies. I jumped into Prac 1 with both feet and at the end of year one, I took a break and was a TA for the Foundations Class 4 times in a row. Then I started Prac 2 with a better foundation. I knew it was my path. I was clear. When I decided to start my own business, I was scared as can be, I had no money in the bank, and no idea what I was doing, but I knew I was capable and it was calling me, it was in my heart. When I found out I was pregnant I spent maybe a month being concerned that I couldn’t do it, but then I came to myself I was sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was mine to do and that I was not only capable, but that I would be pretty good at it. Last year, when the idea of starting Holmes Institute came to me, my intellect was not prepared in any way, shape or form. When Rev. Andriette said “I’m going to need you to go to Ministerial School” I was not ready for “that”. Of course, “that” was the idea of who can follow Rev. Andriette? Who can bring the clarity of purpose and the sheer level of skill and wit that she brings? “That” was shoes too big for me to fill, a vision to meaningful for me to uphold in the presence of a blossoming community, a journey that seemed too steep for me, a self-employed, single mother supporting her mother, to achieve. Then I come to myself and I realize that the problem with where to start is that, I am worried about where to start, as if it is possible to start anywhere except where I am now and where I am is perfect. The only thing I need is more self-acceptance and growth and self-love. The answer to “what now?” is the same answer it has always been, trust, have faith, know the Truth. To be present so that I can be grateful and to be grateful so that I can be present. The best is still unfolding as I open my heart to more Love, more Abundance, more Self-awareness more knowing of who I am and whose I am. My life thread of deservability propels and compels me to get out of my own way. To be better every day, while accepting who I am right now. Ministerial school means saying yes to deeper self-love, deeper self-exploration, deeper peace and an acceptance of myself as a woman of power...and so the journey to Rev. Sonia begins.
Here is my annual family Mother's Day photo, with Harriet representing my Grammy.
Organizer
Sonia Russell
Organizer
Oakland, CA