Support Calendula's Heart Recovery Journey

If you have this link, you likely know me, but I'm Blue Seed and I'm mama to a sweet little baby who is almost one year old, Calendula! We're having a big crisis and can use some help.

After noticing Calendula getting lethargic and regressing on eating and other milestones, I brought them into urgent care, where we were directed to the emergency room, where we then found out that Calendula was experiencing chronic heart failure. Their heart was enlarged and had a blood clot in their left ventricle. We were transferred to Seattle for more specialized care, we learned their left ventricle struggles to pump blood well (which is how the clot formed), and they stabilized with various medicines beginning to explore what would be next.

I've been reassured by doctors of how it is really difficult to catch this in early stages with babies, that I have done everything "right," including check in with their regular doctor, and that my attunement with the baby is why I ended up going to emergency care before there was a more critical sort of nosedive for baby where they just weren't breathing or their heart gave out. We even had an appointment mid September with our regular doctor, who the ER doctor reassured me could be a very good doctor and still miss something so subtle like this when the symptoms are not as acute.

This is a terrible situation and my baby and I are going to be in limbo for a long time to come, the doctors say that even if we're able wean off of the IV heart medicines that have supported Cali's stabilization and even a current energetic rebound, we will still be here for at least another 6 weeks. If they're not able to wean off of their IV medication and respond to oral medication, we are definitely facing a heart transplant situation and we will be in the hospital for probably much longer. I tried to keep the fundraiser modest, the minimum I estimate would make in the first three months returning to work.

If you're here you probably also know that I was previously a contractor carpenter who loves to work for my community on a sliding scale, but I took time off to have a baby and for postpartum recovery only for my birthing partner to ditch us right before the 6-month mark after some neglect and abuse. He does not have any legal rights to my baby because he also had left us in the hospital and didn't make it onto the birth certificate, and while I tried to work things out with him and get us into counseling, he was coming and going, he misfiled his paternity affidavit, his abuse escalated severely, and then I finally got a restraining order in August. He has no legal rights to my child, nor is he paying any child support. He tried to contest the RO, but even during the hearing he admitted to hurting my older child and we thankfully had witnesses to his escalating abuse of me in front of baby and refusing to even hold sweet Calendula and care for them on the weekends outside of his work week, as we live in a big, community house. The order was upheld and he's not done anything to see the baby or for custody since. He's also skipped out on the auto loan we got together when he crashed his car while dipping in and out and I have a fee to pay with them because he didn't insure the van. I can get it insured now, but the inflated insurance fee they put on the loan is going to cost me about $1000.

I had just been planning to return to work doing more custom building from home of furniture and tiny houses to sell as well as teach classes at Village Home where my older kid takes classes, but late September brought my baby and I these new challenges. I will not be able to work anytime soon and want to be present here at the hospital in Seattle with Cali in order to give them the best nutrition support that I can, breast milk which also provides them comfort and other health benefits, and be present helping them regulate through the trauma of being in the hospital. I long to stay closely connected and attached with them. Hospital nurses in the CICU are skilled and kind, but they are not babysitters or Calendula's parent. When we first got here and they started feeling better with their first meds, they fought gum and nail to remove their feeding tubes successfully (go baby!) and I advocated for them to be able to breastfeed again and start back on foods and they have blossomed in energy and development again. Hungry for food, happy to breastfeed and cosleep here, playing most the day and even getting back into tummy time. I don't want to leave my baby alone here. Before I was a carpenter, I was a nanny and I really value close and secure attachment. I want to be here helping Cali be grounded and hit milestones as they hang out keeping stable and medicated for their condition.

It wasn't my plan to be a single mom, but I do know that I have an incredible community of people around me that have already helped me so much, and this specific fundraiser is to plan out the next few months of being able to hold on to our housing while I'm also stuck in the hospital navigating treatments for baby. This fundraiser is going to make a really big difference for us. I have applied for TANF and SSI, as Cali will be disabled, but it takes time and it's not quite enough to make up for me suddenly not working at all.

I'm also a mom to a rad 9yo, Fire, and their other parent mapa Marco is taking care of them full-time while my younger baby and I are in the hospital. They've also helped me extra financially because Calendula's other bio parent ditched us, as they have solidarity, but they can't sustain it. I miss my big kid dearly. Friends have been taking Fire to classes too and helping him visit us in the hospital. Dear friends have also even traveled up to Seattle or already live here and have helped me keep grounded through all this.

We've got a community calendar and more regular and personal updates here: lotsahelpinghands

Thanks for any support you can offer in this intense time!