Support The Artbreaker's Journey to Mental Health Recovery

Hey, The Artbreaker here. You may know me as Joshua Decker, Decker, Josh, or some variation thereof.

I'm here humbly asking for help. Please read on...

I started working full time at the age of 14. I was a full time single father of two for 18 years. I have been a visual artist nearly all of my 49 years on this planet. I have also been producing and mixing music for 20 or so years. If you're reading this, you probably know me for my art and music or the scenes surrounding the types of art and music I make and appreciate.

I was diagnosed with ADHD in 9th grade and have been battling undiagnosed mental health issues most of my life. About 20 years ago I was diagnosed with Reactive Depression. For the most part, I have been able to manage my depression and my life through art, music, family, my pets, and the like. I haven't always stayed working at the same place for very long, but I've almost always had a job and that has typically helped, as well.

Since the pandemic lockdowns, like many people, my mental health has taken some pretty severe hits. Watching my kids learn from home and miss out on all the things highschoolers should be doing and enjoying and experiencing. My oldest missed out an actual graduation and many of the end of year activities so many of us look back on with fond memories. That was especially hard to witness and experience from the outside looking in. Since lockdown restrictions were lifted I never really got back to "normal". I developed what I presumed to be anxiety. Holding a job was difficult. Parenting became difficult. Life... became difficult. In ways previously not experienced. I did, however, find a great community in the Twitch jungle/dnb music scene which I quite literally credit for keeping me from where I recently went for quite some time.

I kept putting one foot in front of the other, despite all that.

***TRIGGER WARNING***

However, May 3rd of 2024 I woke up like any other day, but within hours I was very seriously considering taking my own life. Shortly after I was digging in cupboards and closests looking for something I could overdose on. I considered something more physical and drastic but didn't want anyone to see me like that or have to clean up the mess. As I was having these thoughts, I had a brief moment of clarity and reached out to the Suicide Prevention Hotline. After a very short discussion they recommended I admit myself to a mental health facility. And so I did.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Gneralized Anxiety, and Social Anxiety. Medications were prescribed and DBT Therapy and general Talk Therapy were also recommended.

While in the mental hospital for the five days I was there I took advantage of therapy and groups more than I didn't and endeavoured to keep putting in the work once I was released.

Upon release I hit the ground running. I have been going to DBT and Talk Therapy as scheduled. I have been taking my meds for both Depression and Anxiety. I started meditating. I've been reading a lot about my diagnosis. Generally doing what I'm supposed to be doing. While also not forgetting to spend time with my passions - art, music, and my dog Ella. Some days are alright, other days are still incredibly difficult. It is said that my depression medication won't truly take effect for 4-6 weeks (so I've still got a couple weeks to hold on for in that department) and successful completion of DBT is looked at as a 6-12 month long process. Talk Therapy will likely be a lifelong committment. Thankfully the anxiety medication works pretty much instantly, as it has helped me be able to tackle the things in life I need to tackle and the things that I should, to the best of my ability that day.

Leading up to my admission I had recently gotten a new job that paid well, had good benefits, wasn't terribly difficult to get to on public transportation (very important since I don't have a vehicle of my own), and which I could physically manage despite my chronic pain and mobility issues sustained on the job some nearly 10 years ago. However, as the depression worsened, it became difficult to go to work every day and I quickly found myself being disciplined for time missed and after a 5 day stay at the hospital, that was end of that chapter.

So, now I am out of work and looking. I have had a few interviews that I thought went well but have not yet been offered a new job. As such, my bank account has gone dry. Leading up to this, I have borrowed a fairly significant amount of money from friends that I was looking forward to being able to pay back, but with the job loss I have only been set back even further on that mission. I don't really have much family to speak of, but they came in clutch while I was in the hospital and took care of my part of rent and keeping the bills caught up or catching the ones up that I was behind on. Theye have no more money with which to help and I don't know many other people that I would feel comfortable asking for help. The financial burden has effectively ruined my relationship with at least one family member/roommate, making things very tense and difficult to navigate at home, and I am sure the friends I have borrowed from are not terribly happy either, despite being aware of my recent situation and everyuthing leading up to it.

I set my goal where I did here on GoFundMe to take into account upcoming rent and bills, continued public transportation costs, pet food, food for myself, and then hopefully be able to repay some of the debts I currently owe on.

Most immediately I am seeking $743 for June rent. Electric, sawer/water/trash, internet, bus fare, and phone typically runs me about $400 a month and I would like to secure that sooner than later, as well. I receive $118 a month in SNAP (food stamp) benefits and that does not go nearly far enough, so I would be looking to utilize anything raised to help offset food for myself and my dog. Anything above and beyond that I would use to pay back outstanding debts as much as possible, as this weighs heavily on my heart and mind.

I have applied for several types of assisstance programs since getting out of the hospital, but our lease is shared so all programs that I could potentially be approved for I cannot be, as they take entire household income into account when making approval decisions.

Please help if you can, please share if you cannot. I am confident with my continued efforts with medication and therapy, and eventually a new job, that I can make it out of the woods with your support.