WE WILL REBUILD!

Just in time for the holidays, in December 2024, our glorious Republic of Slowjamastan fell victim to an unspeakable act of vandalism and theft. Two grown men, brimming with wisdom, decided the best way to bond with their small children was to stage a live-action version of "How to Commit Petty Crime. Thanks, Shane and Joe—parenting goals for the ages!

But fear not, dear citizens and friends of Slowjamastan! The villainous mastermind (singular, because Shane clearly did the thinking) has been identified and will face justice, thanks to local and regional law enforcement (Thank you Imperial and Orange County Sheriffs!) And us? We’re dusting ourselves off and rising stronger than ever.

Let’s keep things in perspective: No one died, no one’s kidneys were hijacked, and no one’s house was flooded or razed to the ground. We’ll survive. However, if you’ve ever laughed, smiled, or slow-jammed with us, consider tossing a few coins into our national bucket of dreams. Here’s the plan:

1. Replace our tragically kidnapped security guard mannequin.

2. Exorcise the stubborn spray paint.

3. Patch up our trusty guard shack.

4. Invest in cameras capable of capturing every pore of future intruders.

And if there’s anything left? The possibilities are endless. A park? Absolutely. A helipad? Why not? A tank? Now you’re speaking our language! Rest assured, every single Slowjamastani cent will go toward making our micronation even more majestic.

So, dig deep (or not—we’re not judging). Together, we’ll rebuild, repaint, and outshine every act of nonsense that dares to stand in our way. Forward, Slowjamastan!