Team Tobin Education Fund:In Memoriam of Pat Tobin
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“A heart that has been broken is a heart that’s been loved.” My heart is broken my love. You have been taken to soon. The light of my life and of our 3 little loves. You were the most amazing husband, daddy, brother, uncle and friend. I will miss my dance partner and best friend forever. you more than you will ever know my love." -Colleen Tobin
Patrick's Eulogy: Delivered by his nieces, Krista Tobin & Courtney Nicholson.
Thank you for coming to celebrate the life of my Uncle, Patrick Joseph Tobin.
I’m Krista Tobin, his oldest niece. My cousin Courtney Nicholson and I are honored to speak to you today about our Uncle Patrick. We want to begin by thanking our Aunt Colleen for giving us the opportunity to share Patrick’s legacy with you today.
Everyone who Pat loved most is in this room today—and the few that are missing are now by his side—faithfully watching over us until we are reunited again. Patrick’s story begins with two of the missing. The ones who started it all. His parents, my beloved grandparents, Phillip Sr. and Margaret Tobin who were married 64 years ago today on February 11, 1956.
Phil and Peg were childhood friends and grew up just blocks from each other. After they married, they went on to have an army of NINE children. The first seven were born in the first nine years of their marriage. That group is often referred to as “the first seven.”
Let’s take a moment to think about that. My Mom Mom had seven children in nine years.
She gave new meaning to the concept of Irish Twins, and her ability to run this army of children and an orderly household lovingly earned her the nickname, SARGE. My Pop Pop matched her work ethic working as a Plant Manager at Smith Kline for over 30 years.
Our grandparents took a ten-year break after the first seven children, when oops—they welcomed Patrick, their eighth child, on February 21, 1973. After the initial shock wore off, the entire crew jumped in to care for Patrick as if he was their own, taking him on daily outings and babysitting him whenever Peg was volunteering at St. Margaret’s—the epicenter of her social life.
The older siblings were often mistaken for Patrick’s parents and repeatedly stopped by strangers in public commenting on what a beautiful baby he was. At 10 months old, Patrick’s beauty got him cast as the Baby Jesus in St. Margaret’s Christmas Celebration. What no one realized at the time was that he would soon be upstaged by another surprise sibling.
Fate decided Patrick needed a partner, and two years later my grandparents had their ninth child. My Aunt Ellen fondly remembers her childhood giving Patrick’s great purpose. He finally had a younger sibling of his own to gleefully torture—a role in which he excelled, enjoyed and embraced well into his adult years.
When Ellen was 4, Patrick taunted her with a snapper turtle he found outside, placing it a half an inch from her nose. In an unexpected move, the turtle clamped onto Ellen’s nose and would not let go. And while Ellen is still scarred—physically and emotionally—she learned how to forgive Patrick for indiscretions like this and others, including throwing stray cats at her face and dating all her friends.
Ellen refers to her older siblings as the “first seven” while Patrick and herself are simply, “us.” When something happens to her at work, she calls Patrick. He always knows how she feels without having to ask. She calls their relationship open-ended because it is always on and forever without end.
The Tobin’s raised their children with a simple unspoken motto. Family First. Old-fashioned values including respect, work ethic and loyalty were instilled in them all. The 6 boys were expected to be gentleman and the 3 girls were raised to be loving caregivers. Patrick had a hybrid mix of both those qualities and is often lovingly referred to as the “fourth sister.” It was a title he fully embraced as he enjoyed life-long friendships with his sisters, nieces and many of the women here today, some who he met in kindergarten.
These feminine bonds were all in preparation for his greatest roles of husband and father.
Growing up my Uncle Patrick was one of nine, but his true greatness was realized later in life as one of five. The irony in my Uncle Patrick being called the “fourth sister” came full circle when he was blessed with four amazing girls—my aunt and three precious cousins. While I’m almost old enough to be their mother, when they curl up in my lap as I curled up in Patrick’s decades ago, our cousin bond is strong.
Patrick met his dream girl, Colleen Tinney, in June of 2005. In Colleen, Patrick saw the strong traits he inherited from his parents and shares with his siblings. She is smart, hard-working, family-first, career-driven and tough enough to put Patrick in check when needed.
After their first date, Colleen recalls telling her sister Connie, “I’m not sure I can date this guy. He’s cute, but he showed up in JEAN SHORTS. That might be a deal breaker.”
Thankfully love is blind to poor fashion choices. By the fall of 2005, Patrick retired the jean shorts and the two were madly in love. Meeting the extended Tobin clan was wildly entertaining yet mildly overwhelming for Colleen. Patrick introduced Colleen to each sibling, niece and nephew and eventually to his father so they could see what he already knew. She was the ONE.
For Colleen, the one thing stood out about Patrick in the early days was a deep love for his family. His first three decades readied him to be an amazing husband, uncle and eventually Daddy to this new branch of his family tree. As the branches grew, so did their commitment. Colleen took on the Tobin army as her own, and in turn, Patrick cherished her parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephews.
The families became one in 2009 in an epic wedding celebration with hundreds in attendance. As they planned their wedding, Colleen remembers Patrick often saying, “Whatever you want.” Patrick only had two requests—great music and lots of dancing. He was always the first one on the dance floor. He didn’t need to be buzzed to rock it out—and he never cared what anyone thought, in the very best possible way. Patrick danced like no one was watching.
Colleen’s sister Connie said, “When she married Patrick, he changed our world and made it brighter. We were so lucky to add him to the family. My parents adore him.”
Early on in their relationship they’d meet before Patrick’s 6pm Saturday shift to attend mass in this very church where we are today. Colleen marks Patrick’s strong faith as one of the things she loved most about him when they met.
One of Colleen’s deepest disappointments is that she never got to meet the woman who raised the love of her life. Patrick told her many tales from childhood, describing dinner time as a race to the table. If you didn’t get there on time, there might be nothing left. In his early 20s, Patrick was known to show up to sibling’s homes at dinnertime, containers in hand, just in case someone wanted to send him off with leftovers. A luxury he didn’t enjoy as a child.
Imagine one house, nine kids, two parents, one grandpop, two bedrooms, one basement, one bathroom and one phone. Patrick always will be remembered for his incredible patience, earned while waiting eighth in line for most daily living tasks without complaint.
Even though they never met, I believe Colleen can feel Mom Mom’s influence in the way this family rises to take care of each other. That Tobin “rise” includes Colleen. Over the past week, I’ve watched her put aside her own anguish to comfort us—much in the same way Patrick stood by me, my brother Christopher and my mother Stacey five years ago when my father died of a sudden cardiac arrest.
My father is the second born Tobin, Michael, and I am his first born. My mother describes Patrick as “the rock” who helped her survive losing my father. Patrick’s nursing skills helped us understand what was happening during the final days of my father’s life. And while he could not save his beloved brother—Patrick did the only thing that he could in that moment—he educated us and allowed us to gently come to the realization that we had to say goodbye. Patrick navigated us through our darkest hour, ignoring his own broken heart.
My father and Patrick had a lot in common, including their shared love of music and reputation for being the life of every party. My brother Christopher is a musician, and Patrick played a huge role in his life, serving as a hybrid uncle-slash-older-brother-slash-dear-friend. Uncle Pat always considered himself in our generation, especially as we got older and started to party. Trying to keep up with Christopher didn’t always end well the next morning for Patrick, but it was always a great time.
My Uncle Tommy is the fifth born Tobin. He and Patrick had the most in common, and had they not been born brothers, they would have chosen to be friends with great love of cooking, skiing, and watching and playing sports. There was much debate over the years on who was better at sports—and today, I think we can all agree who deserves the title of Best Tobin athlete. JULIET. Patrick and Tommy loved prepping meals together and barbecuing, especially down the shore. They’d take over the kitchen and make magic happen. No one ever complained.
Now that I think about it, the Tobin nine rarely complain. Growing up in such a huge group, you got what you got and that’s what you got. That was even true about the gene for male pattern baldness. Most of my uncles inherited my Pop Pop’s hair line, Patrick included. Jimmy, the fourth born, was the exception with the full head of thick hair. We aren’t a jealous people, but something tells me my uncles—Patrick included—would not mind having Jimmy’s hair, or his waistline.
My father is the first born, Phil Jr, and I am the first-born Tobin Grandchild. My Dad suffered a massive heart attack five years ago and was rushed to Underwood hospital. As he recovered, Patrick was by his side, every step of the way, helping us understand the gravity of what happened and prepare for the second chance he’d been given.
My Dad describes Patrick as a bridge—lovingly connecting all the members of the Tobin family. The first seven cared for him as a small child, and in turn he cared for them and connected us all in good and bad times. He also said it’s no surprise that Patrick got the lead in plays at St. Margaret’s because of his good looks and incredible charm. When he was in eighth grade, he played the lead in Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat, and each time he said a line, the first three rows of cheering eighth grade girls would giggle and cheer for him. I know many of those fans are here today. You know who you are, it’s ok, I won’t ask you to identify yourself.
My mother describes visiting Underwood Hospital over the years—both as a patient and as a visitor—as being on an amusement park ride. The stomach-dropping panic of routine surgeries or ER trips weren’t as scary, because the name Tobin is recognized at every stop. Are you related to Patrick? Do you know Patrick? They. All. Knew. Patrick.
Our family took great comfort in knowing Patrick supervised our care as a skilled and trusted nurse. Working at a small community hospital, Patrick knew pretty much everyone. We lovingly call him “Dr. Pat” as he shepherds many of us through medical issues with a cool head and a steady hand. I can only imagine the magnitude of his influence when multiplied by thousands of patients over more than two decades.
Liked and respected by all, Patrick’s reputation is amazing. He was devoid of controversy and drama, a trait I try an emulate in my own life. My Uncle Mike Gambone describes him as a “good for you guy.” Building a huge house? Good for you. Got a new job? Good for you. Hit the lottery? Good for you! Patrick did not have a jealous bone. He was very content with everything he had at each stage of his life, and often cautioned others to not wish their life away. He didn’t see the point in that. Today, Colleen and Patrick live in a large beautiful home, but he was just as happy during his modest beginnings.
Patrick didn’t care if you had 5 dollars or 5 million, he treated you as an equal. Most admirably, Patrick never talked ill about anyone. He accepted everyone for who they were, a huge asset to him in his nursing career.
Patrick’s love for nursing wasn’t instant, but rather something that evolved over the years. We didn’t know it at the time—but we have learned over the past week that college was a time of uncertainty for him. He wasn’t sure if nursing was his true calling, but he stayed the course. As my family looks back in retrospect, Patrick’s defining moment as a nurse came when my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer.
My Aunt Mary Kate, who was the third born Tobin, explained, “When Mom got sick, Patrick became this person I never saw before. The way he took care of my mother changed everything for all of us.” Cancer came fast and furious at my Mom Mom, and Patrick rose to meet it. He kept our family informed and his mother cared for and comforted in every moment. The nine rallied together working as a team, led by Patrick’s medical skills and my Aunt Peggy’s ability to run the show in the very same house they all grew up in, where she still lives today.
After we lost our matriarch, Patrick took a year to work as a traveling nurse. He needed time to heal and a change of scene. My aunts and uncles feared my Pop-Pop would be lost without Patrick, but they rose in his absence to handle his medical care and various affairs. When my grandfather began his own battle with cancer, Patrick was poised and ready to rise again and carry the family through as he helped my Pop-Pop live out his final days as peaceful and comfortably as possible. He passed in 2007.
During those difficult times, Peggy and Patrick were an amazing team. They came together to help care for my Mom Mom and Pop Pop in their final days as seamlessly as they came together to the impromptu happy hour. They were always ready to answer each other’s call. Johnny, the sixth born, remembers all that they did during that time fondly and describes Patrick as a great brother who could handle tremendous pressure without showing an ounce of sweat.
Patrick loved his parents deeply and that love was the foundation upon which he built his marriage. Colleen describes our family as a true testament to my grandparents and is in awe at the bond the older and younger cousins share. As the oldest cousin, I can say with great conviction that Patrick had a strong hand in that bond, and we are happily returning the love and attention he showered on us. He was not only my Uncle, he was my friend.
Uncle Pat had so many friends. Some of you met at St. Margaret’s, others are connected to our family, some met him in college. If you recognize the nickname BIG DADDY, most likely you know Patrick from Underwood. Wherever you met Patrick, and however long you’ve known him, I thank you for joining us today to celebrate his life. Colleen has found great comfort in our family-friend network, and we will continue to carry her through her grief.
When you ask Colleen about Patrick’s friend groups, she describes each one as a “family.” His St. Margaret’s family, his work family, his Tobin family, her family who is now his and even the pack of girls Patrick met in kindergarten are still his close friends.
Whenever one of his friends invited Patrick to do something—go to a game, a concert, happy hour or even grab a quick meal—he had the same response. “Let me check with Coll.” Like any good team, Patrick and Colleen helped balance each other’s work schedules and social priorities with the responsibilities of parenting and home. His first reaction to “check with Coll” spoke to his respect of all that she shouldered. Patrick made time to stay connected to his friend groups while staying in check with the one who mattered most.
Colleen only describes one friend as Patrick’s PERSON. If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you get this concept. Your PERSON is more than a best friend. Your person is different than a sibling—because loving them is a conscious decision. You can choose your PERSON.
Patrick’s PERSON is Matthew Rieger.
Matt and Pat, also known as Rigs and Tobes, met in 1987 at Gloucester Catholic High School on the first day of Freshman year. Matt remembers realizing that Patrick was worthy “competition” in his quest for pretty girls and athletic dominance. They had full heads of black hair, good looking faces and personalities to match. Matt decided to make Patrick his wing man instead of his enemy. Patrick realized that Matt was a permanent good time and could talk a bulldog off a meat wagon, making him an obvious choice for a life-long best friend.
Nearly 30 years later, their hair is gone, but their bond remains.
Matt says Colleen has the three qualities Patrick needed in a wife—cute, fun, and Irish Catholic. When he knew she was the one, Patrick told Matt, “I want a life with Colleen.” Matt said Patrick and Colleen made each other better over the years, influencing the other in just the right way to continually grow closer.
Colleen said that Patrick would be so proud of Matt’s strength over the past week and support he has shown to our entire family. Death will not change their connection. And until they meet again, Matt has promised to hold all four of Patrick’s girls in the palm of his hand. Having four ladies of his own and infinite love in his heart, we know there’s room for them all.
In order to understand the father Patrick was, you need to understand his training ground. He has nearly 20 nieces and nephews—and he had a special bond with all of us. He didn’t just make time at Christmas and birthdays. He planned day trips to the beach and spent eight hours constructing the perfect sand city. If someone didn’t have a boogie board or skim board, he ran to the surf side store to pick up an extra. Before life could be recorded on a phone, he bought a camcorder to video us in action.
Patrick was the older brother many of the Tobin grandchildren never had, partly because most of us are girls. We were the brat pack he cherished—much in the way he and Ellen were cherished by the first seven. When I was a child, Patrick tortured me in the same way he did Ellen, but at that point, she was old enough to join in. I gladly dealt with it just to be near them. They were my heroes. As we got older, it didn’t matter how much time had passed since I last saw Uncle Pat, we could always pick right back up where we left off. Loving him was easy because he made it that way. We will continue to share a closeness with our younger cousins, because of our training ground. I like to think of it as the Tobin circle of life.
Patrick was a magnificent father to Madelyn, Charlotte and Elizabeth. He fully embraced his role as a girl dad, wholeheartedly loving every second. He was also deeply devoted to Buddy—his labradoodle and the only male companion in his home. Colleen rarely misses the chance to tell the girls how lucky they are to have him for their Daddy. I know she will keep his memory alive in their hearts forever.
Maddie T is Patrick’s mini-me, both in face and in personality. That’s great news for her—not only was he handsome, he was nicknamed Mr. Personality, Mr. P. for short. Much like her father, Maddie T is loved by all. She gave Patrick the greatest gift in life by making him a Daddy, and his life truly began the day Maddie was born. Patrick loved coaching her, both in sports and in her quest to become a trivia expert. They loved watching Jeopardy together.
Maddie might be the trivia buff, but Charlotte is the card shark! Patrick played countless games of War and Uno with his second born. He nicknamed her “Char” and the two shared a love of snacks and everybody’s favorite—Patrick’s pork roll and cheese sandwiches! The happiest hour of all was Friday night dance parties in the kitchen, where Patrick would show off his moves with his four best partners.
Elizabeth might be the youngest of Patrick’s children, but much like her father, this girl has staying power. Even at the ripe old age of four, Elizabeth can stay up all night. In typical Tobin fashion, she doesn’t like the party to end. Her father nicknamed her Easy E—because that’s what she is. Easy going and cool like the other side of the pillow.
There was not a Dad box Patrick didn’t check—and it wasn’t because he had to—it was because he wanted to. He coached softball and basketball. Patrick taught the girls how to roller skate and how to ride bikes. He played Barbies and watched Star Wars movies. Just last week he spent four hours constructing a new basketball hoop in the front yard, to run skills and drills with the girls for years to come.
Even his neighbors were in awe of his commitment to his little ladies. Snow would fall sideways, but Patrick was out front building snow families and creating angels with his arms and legs. Ten-hour beach days were too short for Patrick. Even weekdays included morning running and squealing mayhem at the hands of the most awesome tickle monster there ever was or ever will be. “How is Daddy gonna get me?” the girls scream ask Colleen as they sprint away from the tickle monster.
Even though he was a great father, Patrick wasn’t perfect. In fact, he was a thief of sorts. Each Halloween, he’d let the girls have some candy, but after a few days, the bags would disappear never to be seen again. Even during non-holiday times, he would stash treats away from their view—not to police their diet but only to supplement his own. A skill he no doubt learned growing up in a house where treats were in short supply.
Christmas was Colleen and Patrick’s favorite holiday. He looked forward to her world-famous chocolate chip cookies and decorating the tree with the girls every year. Mind you—it had to be done twice—once with the kids for fun only to be undone and redecorated in perfect symmetry once the girls went to bed. Little known fact—Patrick was a perfectionist.
In closing, we’d like to thank everyone for joining us today and allowing us to share just a little bit of our family legacy. You can’t really know and understand any Tobin without the history of how we all fit together. And while no family is perfect, this one is perfect for us and we are beyond proud to be in it.
As we leave today, I challenge us all to live a little more like Patrick did.
Find peace where you are instead of thinking about where you want to be
Strive to be a gentle caregiver and the “good for you guy”
Dance like no one’s watching
Maybe don’t taunt your sibling with a snapper turtle, but do create an open-ended bond that cannot be broken
Hide some treats, but share some too
Make a big meal for your family, just because you can
Cherish your parents, even if they are in the next life
Stay connected to your childhood friends
Don’t wish your life away
Play with your kids, they are only small for such a short time
Please men, we beg of you, retire your jean shorts
And above all else, please be there for Patrick’s family. The next time you think of Patrick and wish you could call him to go to a game, a happy hour or grab a quick meal—let’s do exactly what he would have done.
Let’s check with Coll.
Family
He is the beloved husband of Colleen (nee Tinney); loving father of Madelyn, Charlotte & Elizabeth Tobin; dear brother of Phil (Anita), Mary Kate Smith (Dan), Jimmy, Tommy (Mary), Johnny (Dawn), Peggy Ann Gambone (Mike), Ellen McKenna (Bruce); brother-in-law of Connie (David) Lees and son-in-law of Edward & Dorothy Tinney. Patrick is predeceased by his parents, Philip & Margaret (nee Ryder) and his brother, Michael (Stacia). A cherished uncle to many loving nieces and nephews.
Services
Patrick's Eulogy: Delivered by his nieces, Krista Tobin & Courtney Nicholson.
Thank you for coming to celebrate the life of my Uncle, Patrick Joseph Tobin.
I’m Krista Tobin, his oldest niece. My cousin Courtney Nicholson and I are honored to speak to you today about our Uncle Patrick. We want to begin by thanking our Aunt Colleen for giving us the opportunity to share Patrick’s legacy with you today.
Everyone who Pat loved most is in this room today—and the few that are missing are now by his side—faithfully watching over us until we are reunited again. Patrick’s story begins with two of the missing. The ones who started it all. His parents, my beloved grandparents, Phillip Sr. and Margaret Tobin who were married 64 years ago today on February 11, 1956.
Phil and Peg were childhood friends and grew up just blocks from each other. After they married, they went on to have an army of NINE children. The first seven were born in the first nine years of their marriage. That group is often referred to as “the first seven.”
Let’s take a moment to think about that. My Mom Mom had seven children in nine years.
She gave new meaning to the concept of Irish Twins, and her ability to run this army of children and an orderly household lovingly earned her the nickname, SARGE. My Pop Pop matched her work ethic working as a Plant Manager at Smith Kline for over 30 years.
Our grandparents took a ten-year break after the first seven children, when oops—they welcomed Patrick, their eighth child, on February 21, 1973. After the initial shock wore off, the entire crew jumped in to care for Patrick as if he was their own, taking him on daily outings and babysitting him whenever Peg was volunteering at St. Margaret’s—the epicenter of her social life.
The older siblings were often mistaken for Patrick’s parents and repeatedly stopped by strangers in public commenting on what a beautiful baby he was. At 10 months old, Patrick’s beauty got him cast as the Baby Jesus in St. Margaret’s Christmas Celebration. What no one realized at the time was that he would soon be upstaged by another surprise sibling.
Fate decided Patrick needed a partner, and two years later my grandparents had their ninth child. My Aunt Ellen fondly remembers her childhood giving Patrick’s great purpose. He finally had a younger sibling of his own to gleefully torture—a role in which he excelled, enjoyed and embraced well into his adult years.
When Ellen was 4, Patrick taunted her with a snapper turtle he found outside, placing it a half an inch from her nose. In an unexpected move, the turtle clamped onto Ellen’s nose and would not let go. And while Ellen is still scarred—physically and emotionally—she learned how to forgive Patrick for indiscretions like this and others, including throwing stray cats at her face and dating all her friends.
Ellen refers to her older siblings as the “first seven” while Patrick and herself are simply, “us.” When something happens to her at work, she calls Patrick. He always knows how she feels without having to ask. She calls their relationship open-ended because it is always on and forever without end.
The Tobin’s raised their children with a simple unspoken motto. Family First. Old-fashioned values including respect, work ethic and loyalty were instilled in them all. The 6 boys were expected to be gentleman and the 3 girls were raised to be loving caregivers. Patrick had a hybrid mix of both those qualities and is often lovingly referred to as the “fourth sister.” It was a title he fully embraced as he enjoyed life-long friendships with his sisters, nieces and many of the women here today, some who he met in kindergarten.
These feminine bonds were all in preparation for his greatest roles of husband and father.
Growing up my Uncle Patrick was one of nine, but his true greatness was realized later in life as one of five. The irony in my Uncle Patrick being called the “fourth sister” came full circle when he was blessed with four amazing girls—my aunt and three precious cousins. While I’m almost old enough to be their mother, when they curl up in my lap as I curled up in Patrick’s decades ago, our cousin bond is strong.
Patrick met his dream girl, Colleen Tinney, in June of 2005. In Colleen, Patrick saw the strong traits he inherited from his parents and shares with his siblings. She is smart, hard-working, family-first, career-driven and tough enough to put Patrick in check when needed.
After their first date, Colleen recalls telling her sister Connie, “I’m not sure I can date this guy. He’s cute, but he showed up in JEAN SHORTS. That might be a deal breaker.”
Thankfully love is blind to poor fashion choices. By the fall of 2005, Patrick retired the jean shorts and the two were madly in love. Meeting the extended Tobin clan was wildly entertaining yet mildly overwhelming for Colleen. Patrick introduced Colleen to each sibling, niece and nephew and eventually to his father so they could see what he already knew. She was the ONE.
For Colleen, the one thing stood out about Patrick in the early days was a deep love for his family. His first three decades readied him to be an amazing husband, uncle and eventually Daddy to this new branch of his family tree. As the branches grew, so did their commitment. Colleen took on the Tobin army as her own, and in turn, Patrick cherished her parents, sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephews.
The families became one in 2009 in an epic wedding celebration with hundreds in attendance. As they planned their wedding, Colleen remembers Patrick often saying, “Whatever you want.” Patrick only had two requests—great music and lots of dancing. He was always the first one on the dance floor. He didn’t need to be buzzed to rock it out—and he never cared what anyone thought, in the very best possible way. Patrick danced like no one was watching.
Colleen’s sister Connie said, “When she married Patrick, he changed our world and made it brighter. We were so lucky to add him to the family. My parents adore him.”
Early on in their relationship they’d meet before Patrick’s 6pm Saturday shift to attend mass in this very church where we are today. Colleen marks Patrick’s strong faith as one of the things she loved most about him when they met.
One of Colleen’s deepest disappointments is that she never got to meet the woman who raised the love of her life. Patrick told her many tales from childhood, describing dinner time as a race to the table. If you didn’t get there on time, there might be nothing left. In his early 20s, Patrick was known to show up to sibling’s homes at dinnertime, containers in hand, just in case someone wanted to send him off with leftovers. A luxury he didn’t enjoy as a child.
Imagine one house, nine kids, two parents, one grandpop, two bedrooms, one basement, one bathroom and one phone. Patrick always will be remembered for his incredible patience, earned while waiting eighth in line for most daily living tasks without complaint.
Even though they never met, I believe Colleen can feel Mom Mom’s influence in the way this family rises to take care of each other. That Tobin “rise” includes Colleen. Over the past week, I’ve watched her put aside her own anguish to comfort us—much in the same way Patrick stood by me, my brother Christopher and my mother Stacey five years ago when my father died of a sudden cardiac arrest.
My father is the second born Tobin, Michael, and I am his first born. My mother describes Patrick as “the rock” who helped her survive losing my father. Patrick’s nursing skills helped us understand what was happening during the final days of my father’s life. And while he could not save his beloved brother—Patrick did the only thing that he could in that moment—he educated us and allowed us to gently come to the realization that we had to say goodbye. Patrick navigated us through our darkest hour, ignoring his own broken heart.
My father and Patrick had a lot in common, including their shared love of music and reputation for being the life of every party. My brother Christopher is a musician, and Patrick played a huge role in his life, serving as a hybrid uncle-slash-older-brother-slash-dear-friend. Uncle Pat always considered himself in our generation, especially as we got older and started to party. Trying to keep up with Christopher didn’t always end well the next morning for Patrick, but it was always a great time.
My Uncle Tommy is the fifth born Tobin. He and Patrick had the most in common, and had they not been born brothers, they would have chosen to be friends with great love of cooking, skiing, and watching and playing sports. There was much debate over the years on who was better at sports—and today, I think we can all agree who deserves the title of Best Tobin athlete. JULIET. Patrick and Tommy loved prepping meals together and barbecuing, especially down the shore. They’d take over the kitchen and make magic happen. No one ever complained.
Now that I think about it, the Tobin nine rarely complain. Growing up in such a huge group, you got what you got and that’s what you got. That was even true about the gene for male pattern baldness. Most of my uncles inherited my Pop Pop’s hair line, Patrick included. Jimmy, the fourth born, was the exception with the full head of thick hair. We aren’t a jealous people, but something tells me my uncles—Patrick included—would not mind having Jimmy’s hair, or his waistline.
My father is the first born, Phil Jr, and I am the first-born Tobin Grandchild. My Dad suffered a massive heart attack five years ago and was rushed to Underwood hospital. As he recovered, Patrick was by his side, every step of the way, helping us understand the gravity of what happened and prepare for the second chance he’d been given.
My Dad describes Patrick as a bridge—lovingly connecting all the members of the Tobin family. The first seven cared for him as a small child, and in turn he cared for them and connected us all in good and bad times. He also said it’s no surprise that Patrick got the lead in plays at St. Margaret’s because of his good looks and incredible charm. When he was in eighth grade, he played the lead in Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat, and each time he said a line, the first three rows of cheering eighth grade girls would giggle and cheer for him. I know many of those fans are here today. You know who you are, it’s ok, I won’t ask you to identify yourself.
My mother describes visiting Underwood Hospital over the years—both as a patient and as a visitor—as being on an amusement park ride. The stomach-dropping panic of routine surgeries or ER trips weren’t as scary, because the name Tobin is recognized at every stop. Are you related to Patrick? Do you know Patrick? They. All. Knew. Patrick.
Our family took great comfort in knowing Patrick supervised our care as a skilled and trusted nurse. Working at a small community hospital, Patrick knew pretty much everyone. We lovingly call him “Dr. Pat” as he shepherds many of us through medical issues with a cool head and a steady hand. I can only imagine the magnitude of his influence when multiplied by thousands of patients over more than two decades.
Liked and respected by all, Patrick’s reputation is amazing. He was devoid of controversy and drama, a trait I try an emulate in my own life. My Uncle Mike Gambone describes him as a “good for you guy.” Building a huge house? Good for you. Got a new job? Good for you. Hit the lottery? Good for you! Patrick did not have a jealous bone. He was very content with everything he had at each stage of his life, and often cautioned others to not wish their life away. He didn’t see the point in that. Today, Colleen and Patrick live in a large beautiful home, but he was just as happy during his modest beginnings.
Patrick didn’t care if you had 5 dollars or 5 million, he treated you as an equal. Most admirably, Patrick never talked ill about anyone. He accepted everyone for who they were, a huge asset to him in his nursing career.
Patrick’s love for nursing wasn’t instant, but rather something that evolved over the years. We didn’t know it at the time—but we have learned over the past week that college was a time of uncertainty for him. He wasn’t sure if nursing was his true calling, but he stayed the course. As my family looks back in retrospect, Patrick’s defining moment as a nurse came when my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer.
My Aunt Mary Kate, who was the third born Tobin, explained, “When Mom got sick, Patrick became this person I never saw before. The way he took care of my mother changed everything for all of us.” Cancer came fast and furious at my Mom Mom, and Patrick rose to meet it. He kept our family informed and his mother cared for and comforted in every moment. The nine rallied together working as a team, led by Patrick’s medical skills and my Aunt Peggy’s ability to run the show in the very same house they all grew up in, where she still lives today.
After we lost our matriarch, Patrick took a year to work as a traveling nurse. He needed time to heal and a change of scene. My aunts and uncles feared my Pop-Pop would be lost without Patrick, but they rose in his absence to handle his medical care and various affairs. When my grandfather began his own battle with cancer, Patrick was poised and ready to rise again and carry the family through as he helped my Pop-Pop live out his final days as peaceful and comfortably as possible. He passed in 2007.
During those difficult times, Peggy and Patrick were an amazing team. They came together to help care for my Mom Mom and Pop Pop in their final days as seamlessly as they came together to the impromptu happy hour. They were always ready to answer each other’s call. Johnny, the sixth born, remembers all that they did during that time fondly and describes Patrick as a great brother who could handle tremendous pressure without showing an ounce of sweat.
Patrick loved his parents deeply and that love was the foundation upon which he built his marriage. Colleen describes our family as a true testament to my grandparents and is in awe at the bond the older and younger cousins share. As the oldest cousin, I can say with great conviction that Patrick had a strong hand in that bond, and we are happily returning the love and attention he showered on us. He was not only my Uncle, he was my friend.
Uncle Pat had so many friends. Some of you met at St. Margaret’s, others are connected to our family, some met him in college. If you recognize the nickname BIG DADDY, most likely you know Patrick from Underwood. Wherever you met Patrick, and however long you’ve known him, I thank you for joining us today to celebrate his life. Colleen has found great comfort in our family-friend network, and we will continue to carry her through her grief.
When you ask Colleen about Patrick’s friend groups, she describes each one as a “family.” His St. Margaret’s family, his work family, his Tobin family, her family who is now his and even the pack of girls Patrick met in kindergarten are still his close friends.
Whenever one of his friends invited Patrick to do something—go to a game, a concert, happy hour or even grab a quick meal—he had the same response. “Let me check with Coll.” Like any good team, Patrick and Colleen helped balance each other’s work schedules and social priorities with the responsibilities of parenting and home. His first reaction to “check with Coll” spoke to his respect of all that she shouldered. Patrick made time to stay connected to his friend groups while staying in check with the one who mattered most.
Colleen only describes one friend as Patrick’s PERSON. If you watch Grey’s Anatomy, you get this concept. Your PERSON is more than a best friend. Your person is different than a sibling—because loving them is a conscious decision. You can choose your PERSON.
Patrick’s PERSON is Matthew Rieger.
Matt and Pat, also known as Rigs and Tobes, met in 1987 at Gloucester Catholic High School on the first day of Freshman year. Matt remembers realizing that Patrick was worthy “competition” in his quest for pretty girls and athletic dominance. They had full heads of black hair, good looking faces and personalities to match. Matt decided to make Patrick his wing man instead of his enemy. Patrick realized that Matt was a permanent good time and could talk a bulldog off a meat wagon, making him an obvious choice for a life-long best friend.
Nearly 30 years later, their hair is gone, but their bond remains.
Matt says Colleen has the three qualities Patrick needed in a wife—cute, fun, and Irish Catholic. When he knew she was the one, Patrick told Matt, “I want a life with Colleen.” Matt said Patrick and Colleen made each other better over the years, influencing the other in just the right way to continually grow closer.
Colleen said that Patrick would be so proud of Matt’s strength over the past week and support he has shown to our entire family. Death will not change their connection. And until they meet again, Matt has promised to hold all four of Patrick’s girls in the palm of his hand. Having four ladies of his own and infinite love in his heart, we know there’s room for them all.
In order to understand the father Patrick was, you need to understand his training ground. He has nearly 20 nieces and nephews—and he had a special bond with all of us. He didn’t just make time at Christmas and birthdays. He planned day trips to the beach and spent eight hours constructing the perfect sand city. If someone didn’t have a boogie board or skim board, he ran to the surf side store to pick up an extra. Before life could be recorded on a phone, he bought a camcorder to video us in action.
Patrick was the older brother many of the Tobin grandchildren never had, partly because most of us are girls. We were the brat pack he cherished—much in the way he and Ellen were cherished by the first seven. When I was a child, Patrick tortured me in the same way he did Ellen, but at that point, she was old enough to join in. I gladly dealt with it just to be near them. They were my heroes. As we got older, it didn’t matter how much time had passed since I last saw Uncle Pat, we could always pick right back up where we left off. Loving him was easy because he made it that way. We will continue to share a closeness with our younger cousins, because of our training ground. I like to think of it as the Tobin circle of life.
Patrick was a magnificent father to Madelyn, Charlotte and Elizabeth. He fully embraced his role as a girl dad, wholeheartedly loving every second. He was also deeply devoted to Buddy—his labradoodle and the only male companion in his home. Colleen rarely misses the chance to tell the girls how lucky they are to have him for their Daddy. I know she will keep his memory alive in their hearts forever.
Maddie T is Patrick’s mini-me, both in face and in personality. That’s great news for her—not only was he handsome, he was nicknamed Mr. Personality, Mr. P. for short. Much like her father, Maddie T is loved by all. She gave Patrick the greatest gift in life by making him a Daddy, and his life truly began the day Maddie was born. Patrick loved coaching her, both in sports and in her quest to become a trivia expert. They loved watching Jeopardy together.
Maddie might be the trivia buff, but Charlotte is the card shark! Patrick played countless games of War and Uno with his second born. He nicknamed her “Char” and the two shared a love of snacks and everybody’s favorite—Patrick’s pork roll and cheese sandwiches! The happiest hour of all was Friday night dance parties in the kitchen, where Patrick would show off his moves with his four best partners.
Elizabeth might be the youngest of Patrick’s children, but much like her father, this girl has staying power. Even at the ripe old age of four, Elizabeth can stay up all night. In typical Tobin fashion, she doesn’t like the party to end. Her father nicknamed her Easy E—because that’s what she is. Easy going and cool like the other side of the pillow.
There was not a Dad box Patrick didn’t check—and it wasn’t because he had to—it was because he wanted to. He coached softball and basketball. Patrick taught the girls how to roller skate and how to ride bikes. He played Barbies and watched Star Wars movies. Just last week he spent four hours constructing a new basketball hoop in the front yard, to run skills and drills with the girls for years to come.
Even his neighbors were in awe of his commitment to his little ladies. Snow would fall sideways, but Patrick was out front building snow families and creating angels with his arms and legs. Ten-hour beach days were too short for Patrick. Even weekdays included morning running and squealing mayhem at the hands of the most awesome tickle monster there ever was or ever will be. “How is Daddy gonna get me?” the girls scream ask Colleen as they sprint away from the tickle monster.
Even though he was a great father, Patrick wasn’t perfect. In fact, he was a thief of sorts. Each Halloween, he’d let the girls have some candy, but after a few days, the bags would disappear never to be seen again. Even during non-holiday times, he would stash treats away from their view—not to police their diet but only to supplement his own. A skill he no doubt learned growing up in a house where treats were in short supply.
Christmas was Colleen and Patrick’s favorite holiday. He looked forward to her world-famous chocolate chip cookies and decorating the tree with the girls every year. Mind you—it had to be done twice—once with the kids for fun only to be undone and redecorated in perfect symmetry once the girls went to bed. Little known fact—Patrick was a perfectionist.
In closing, we’d like to thank everyone for joining us today and allowing us to share just a little bit of our family legacy. You can’t really know and understand any Tobin without the history of how we all fit together. And while no family is perfect, this one is perfect for us and we are beyond proud to be in it.
As we leave today, I challenge us all to live a little more like Patrick did.
Find peace where you are instead of thinking about where you want to be
Strive to be a gentle caregiver and the “good for you guy”
Dance like no one’s watching
Maybe don’t taunt your sibling with a snapper turtle, but do create an open-ended bond that cannot be broken
Hide some treats, but share some too
Make a big meal for your family, just because you can
Cherish your parents, even if they are in the next life
Stay connected to your childhood friends
Don’t wish your life away
Play with your kids, they are only small for such a short time
Please men, we beg of you, retire your jean shorts
And above all else, please be there for Patrick’s family. The next time you think of Patrick and wish you could call him to go to a game, a happy hour or grab a quick meal—let’s do exactly what he would have done.
Let’s check with Coll.
Family
He is the beloved husband of Colleen (nee Tinney); loving father of Madelyn, Charlotte & Elizabeth Tobin; dear brother of Phil (Anita), Mary Kate Smith (Dan), Jimmy, Tommy (Mary), Johnny (Dawn), Peggy Ann Gambone (Mike), Ellen McKenna (Bruce); brother-in-law of Connie (David) Lees and son-in-law of Edward & Dorothy Tinney. Patrick is predeceased by his parents, Philip & Margaret (nee Ryder) and his brother, Michael (Stacia). A cherished uncle to many loving nieces and nephews.
Services
Organizer and beneficiary
Krista Tobin
Organizer
Leonards, NJ
Colleen Tobin
Beneficiary