Top surgery, so I can be the real me

I'm Alix, middle-aged film-lover, parent, autistic... and agender.

The sense that my gender wasn't as clear-cut as the average person crept up on me over many years: dressing in "women's clothes" often felt like I was pretending, or wearing a fancy dress costume, and many tastes and habits attributed to women and girls just haven't clicked for me. I recall daydreams of being a boy, or having a blend of body parts, when I was a child; and as I grew up I found myself brushing that off as having something to do with my bisexuality. As concepts of non-binary gender identities became more widespread, I couldn't help wondering how they applied to me; and during the period when I was separating from my (now ex-)husband, I found I had the headspace to consider my own self properly, and I became sure that my identity was nowhere near as female as I'd been raised.

I came out to work colleagues as non-binary in January 2020, changed my name by Deed Poll in May 2020, and have since then narrowed down my gender identity to agender, which means I have no specific sense of gender as applied to myself.

There's the background... here's the context of what I need now:

I dress androgynously most of the time (my gender doesn't oblige me to, but it helps to present the person I am to others if I want them to understand), I wear my hair cropped very short and wear pronoun badges etc. People who know me and people who pay some attention understand that gendered words don't apply to me. I'm comfortable and authentic around them. It's the rest of the world I have problems with.

When I first came to the realisation that I am non-binary, I didn't have any plans about changing my body. I just figured I could "be myself", dress as I felt comfortable, explain myself to those who matter to me and that's all that would matter. But no matter how much I tell myself that "it's what's inside that counts", I'm steadily feeling more and more uncomfortable when shop staff say "good morning, madam" as I open their door, based purely on my female figure. It makes me wince, makes me shrink inside myself, unsure what to say and completely at a loss about who I am in that environment.

I have a large (matronly) bust, and I would like it reduced by about three-quarters. Then, I could present androgynously more easily, while not denying my female physiology. I simply don't want female to be the first thing people see when I walk in. Gender transition, in a surgical sense, can mean so many things, depending on who you are and the various aspects which bring on dysmorphia. For me, it is just this one surgery I am seeking.

The process of arriving at this less-female figure is likely to involve a number of steps, with at least two consultants:

I've already selected a psychiatrist and have an appointment booked for February. His cost for this appointment will be £360, and I'm hoping that he'll agree the letter without a second appointment (though the letter itself may come with a fee). I've narrowed down the relevant surgeons to three with some research, and their costs (consultation fee and surgery fee) come to between £6,500 and £8,500 approx. My intention is to make contact with each of them to narrow down the shortlist once my funds have reached the halfway mark.

I'm 51 years old now, 52 in just a couple of months. If I rely on the NHS or save up money on my own, I'll be almost sixty years old before I can be fully seen as me wherever I go. (I did join the NHS waiting list, about a year and a half ago, but it looks like waiting at least another four years, and that's just for the assessment; there'll be another waiting list for referral to surgery, and who knows how long that will be.)

I would greatly appreciate any assistance with reaching this goal, whether it is a donation or simply sharing my fundraiser to reach others. Thank you also for taking the time to read this and understand my journey.

(Photo taken by my friend James Goode.)