Trans girl seeks to put her face in the shop

Hey all... I don't expect complete-strangers to donate to this as me, myself and I don't live in that kind of a world, so I won't bother introducing myself... if you know me you know me for the kind soul, giant brain, squishy heart and quick-witted humor that I bring with me everywhere I go...

I will however share my story... about 20 years ago, I was doing some self-exploration and at the time I realized that my soul was that of a woman. I never really felt like a woman, but I never felt like a man either. This became a core part of my identity on a conscious level... I (errantly) adopted calling myself a Two-spirit because I didn't have any other language for it at the time. In more recent years I've started using the term Nonbinary as is more appropriate. (I supposedly have NA blood, but I'm not in the culture, sooo we're not doing the appropriation thing.)

Over two years ago I heard that starting Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) might help with things like depression and brain-fog with Nonbinary people. Things that you don't know might be fixed with only HRT unless you try HRT. A few months later I went to the gender-affirming clinic in my area and explained the situation to them... I explained how I've had a terrible childhood and have had lifelong depression. I've gone through Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) for my depression. TMS literally changed my life. I went from living in a near-constant state of depression, with depressive episodes lasting from 3 days to 2 weeks constantly. And nearly any tiny little inconvenience, such as stubbing my toe or dropping a pen resulting in Suicidal Ideation (SI) 3 or 4 times a day. After TMS, that significantly changed... My ideation went from several times a day, every day to 2 or 3 times a week.

So I explained all of that to the team at the clinic and said that I wanted to see if HRT might help improve my brain in any way. The doctor agreed to let me try it for a month and said that if it was going to help, I would know in a week.

A week passed and it dawned on me that all of my random SI interjects ceased. Well, that means something. So I did some digging and found out that HRT on Cis brains causes depression and alleviates it in Trans brains. That's really validating.

But also I start panicking too.... How far am I going to take this? Suddenly my body is going to start changing in ways that won't match my assigned gender at birth... Am I going to go for any surgeries? What's my end goal? Am I really a trans woman though? So I started taking personal inventory. At the end of the first day of compiling the list, I had 12 items that were subtle signs that I was trans loooong before I started HRT. Such as being a 6-year-old little boy who decided to have his room painted Bubble-gum pink. Okay, so that confirmed that on a deeper level for me that I was trans... But now, what about how far am I going to take this?

I started dressing the part... Initially, before the previously mentioned list was created, I was trying to look more Gender-non-conforming by wearing my usual male pants and suspenders with girlie shirts. But once I started medically transitioning, I realized that I could redo my entire wardrobe and asked my friends if they had any donations for me that matched my aesthetic. A kind and sweet friend, Jennifer, likes to go to clothing swaps and got me 8 bags of women's clothes... Holy shit... So I started dressing entirely fem at that point... I was already wearing a bra a couple of months in because HRT was having a huge effect on my nipples and the sensation of my nipples. And wearing a bra helped, a lot.

Suddenly I'm dressing entirely fem and I started voice training right before that switch. Along the way, I started the Discord server that I think many of you looking at this are from.... Starting the server was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Connecting with so many of you, creating memories and having laughs... supporting one another... it's been a great experience for many of us and one of the most healing and affirming experiences I've had. But I didn't tell anyone explicitly my pronouns or enforce being called any one thing... I just let people call me what felt right for them. And nearly everyone started using she/her for me and throwing in the occasional "girl" too. And over time that has grown more and more and I adore it... So thank you for helping ease me further along in my transition.

However, I look like a guy... Fortunately, most people aren't outright transphobic to me in person (Honestly, in the past 2 years here in my home town I've only been called a slur once while out in public)... And often people are kind and say that they see me as a girl... But unless I put on a ton of makeup, I don't see a girl in the mirror... and I don't feel pretty at all without makeup compensating for my more masculine face. 30 or so years of masculinization, though slow is entirely cumulative over time.

Fortunately, medical technology has advanced far enough that Facial Feminization Surgery (FFS) can reshape trans women's faces really well, maybe not perfectly... No amount of surgery will make me look like a 28 year-young woman.... But they can knock off enough masculine aspects to make my looking closer to a cis woman's more feasible.... And that's all I need when it comes to my face. Looking at the results from Jessie Gender and Dylan Mulvaney months after their FFS, they look sooooo much more passable now... And that's what I want for myself... I don't need to look perfectly fem, but I want my appearance to be more inherently fem enough that I feel fem and I don't look like a middle-aged-man- in-a-dress.

And for what it's worth, the regret rate on trans-related surgeries is incredibly low, like way less than 12% low.... 12% is the regret rate for knee replacement surgery. And while my face isn't the same as a knee, I really hate looking in the mirror and seeing all of those very evident and obviously masculine features staring back at me.... And over the past year, I've also grown to hate having testicles. I hate how they interfere with my walking, my sitting, what clothes I can wear... I hate how their presence makes taking my E be in higher doses. (I'm not on T blockers because I don't want the problems that comes with them such as bone density loss, the constant need for salt and an even greater need to frequently urinate, which is bad enough as it is as a diabetic) So while I'm under the knife getting my face overhauled and buffed out, the surgeon is gonna spend a little bit of time on the other end yanking out those bad boies....

So if you have some spare money and feel moved to help with the pending costs for this surgery (because despite trying my best to earn money for it, I just haven't been able to get a decent enough job to afford much... between my attempts at earning and my girlfriend working 2 jobs, we're still living paycheck-to-paycheck) I'd really appreciate it.

Fortunately, I have really good health insurance that is willing to cover a lot, but not enough...

Here's the current breakdown on the expected costs:

There's a gap between my deductible and my max-out-of-pocket for the year. Which is currently sitting at $1,250. My doctor's office expects all of that to be the total cost of his services. This doesn't cover the costs with the hospital, the anesthesiologist or other hidden medical fees that I won't know about until after the procedure. And the hospital might want me to pay upfront for their services; I don't know that part just yet.

I do feel that I need to mention that this is the first of 2 FFS procedures... My surgeon prefers to do the "hard tissue reconstruction" first and then a year later after the swelling has gone down, with the tissue has healed and a better sense of what is left of soft-tissue-related issues, then there is a surgery to address the remaining features. My surgery is scheduled for October 30th, so not too far off.

So what am I currently asking for:

Hairline advancement

forehead shave

lip lift

jawline shave

chin shave

orchiectomy

Anything left over after paying for the surgery will go to electrolysis hair removal to stop this cursed 5 o'clock shadow...

Thanks for reading this far. And whether you choose to donate or not, I genuinely hope you have a great one! Much love and good wishes.