A wild dream

I always find these things so uncomfortable... but here I go....!

A brief summary:

I'm asking for donations to help fulfil a dream. I'm living with terminal cancer and came up with a horse living list to help me cope! I want to try as many horse themed activities as I can whilst I can. It turns out there is a very special place in Scotland that can help me tick off a number of these wishes in a once in a lifetime holiday this May, and I'm asking for help to get me there.

I am so aware that I am 2 years into the average of 3-5 years life expectancy for those diagnosed with secondary cancer. Most of my energies go into making memories with my daughter, my heart breaks at the thought of leaving her without a mum, however I still need to do something for me too. I need to find my peace and headspace and my horse living list is supporting me in doing just that. Horses have always been the place I heal.

This adventure will bring me so much joy and it's something I can manage now. If my health deteriorates it's not something I will then be able to do, so I really really want to do this whilst I still can!!

Riding and being with horses means I get to see more of the countryside I love, they are my legs, for which I am so grateful as I don't manage to walk too far these days, chemotherapy is exhausting.

It gives me time to forget everything else when I'm with them. It's just me in that moment and I can pretend for a bit that the rest isn't happening! It helps!

The longer story:

Those that know me will of course know I was diagnosed with terminal (I prefer the term incurable but it is what it is) cancer 2 years ago. I was diagnosed with primary cancer in 2020 with an 18 month old daughter, treatment appeared to have worked but devastatingly in 2022 I found out it had returned and spread to my lungs. At the time I was told I'd be lucky to see 12 months if treatment didn't work, and the type of cancer I have is a particularly aggressive one as there are very limited treatment options for it. I started treatment of immunotherapy and Chemotherapy. Unfortunately the immunotherapy caused seizures and I spent a month in hospital. It was horrendous. I thought I was going to leave my daughter without a mum then and there. It took me some time to recover and regain my strength and some trust in my body.

Fast forward to me entering my third year of treatment and I'm still alive!!

Miraculously my scan results from October say no cancer can be seen! It's still there sadly, once it spreads there's no completely getting rid of it BUT at the moment it is under control.... that's the good news, but under the good news there is always the knowledge the bubble will burst one day.

To enable me to have this result, for the last 2 years I've been on a gruelling routine of weekly chemo for 3 weeks then one week off. It's worth it because I'm still here reading my now 7 year old daughter bedtime stories, but it's hard work this staying alive!

With weekly chemo I can't work so finances are tight. I set up a Go Fund Me in 2022 to help make memories with Grace and to help with the costs of integrative therapies, plus help with the purchase of things like a mobility scooter that I relied on for a time, and use as and when needed now. I was overwhelmed by the generosity of everyone and it has helped hugely over the last 2 years. I've worked my whole life, sometimes doing 2 jobs and I've done voluntary work alongside, so this not being able to rely on myself for an income is very alien to me. So why do I have another Go Fund Me?

I have this dream adventure that's just for me. This one doesn't involve Grace, it's something I want to do for myself. I'm taking Grace to Disneyland Paris so she isn't missing out!! As it's not for Grace, or for treatments etc I wanted to be 100% transparent. Any money donated will go towards helping me go on a fabulous adventure at Wilder Ways ! Cara and Nikki who run it saw my "Horse Living List" blog and kindly got in touch saying they could help me tick off quite a few with them. Their place and what they offer sounds incredible and they have very generously offered an amazing discount to help me along the way.

I have no expectations for donations, people have already been so kind and generous. Friends though have convinced me I should just put it out there and see what happens!

Why do I need this? I say need as I truly feel I do. Last year I really stepped into giving myself time away here and there and it not only brought me joy, but it brought me peace. For the time I'm away I forget about everything else. I just enjoy myself in that moment for that time and forget I have cancer, have to have treatment and the emotional impact on myself, my family and friends. I truly step into just being in the now and it is wonderful. It's like a reset enabling me to then face treatment again and keep going. Having escapes like this to look forward to keeps me sane!

Being around horses lifts me like nothing else can. It's always the horses that have pulled me through, I was in and out of hospital as a child and the herd is where I went to find peace and smiles, nothing has changed! Being with them, and in nature combines two of my favorite things and I'm sure finding the glimmers and joy within this has helped keep me healthy through chemo.

Last year I decided to start a horse living list. I have always wanted to try various horse experiences and in 2022 I had a go at carriage driving. I thought why not make this a challenge, to see just how many different horse experiences I can manage!

The horses always come first. I can never thank them enough for what they give me.

I would love to visit Wilder Ways .

Scotland is a place where my soul sings (I recently discovered I'm 9% Scottish!) The year I was diagnosed we did a road trip from Devon to the Isle of Lewis, I fell in love and I'm desperate to visit the wilds of Scotland again. Scotland and horses, is there anything better?!

You can read more about my horse living list adventures here: Horse Living List

My happy place