Road to recovery

November 24th 2018 I was sexually assaulted. by multiple men. Lead there by a man, I thought to be a friend. I thought that because of great conversation and possibility of dating. Little did I know, he had been grooming for my trust. That they had done this before. They were grooming another man at the same time as me. That night I was drugged, with GHB (date rape drug), meth and fentanyl. 14 hours of my life are now a blur. What I do remember is...people talking, trying to reach my phone, being held down, not being able to catch my breath, hot flashes, my legs being tied together. Before I go further, let me paint a picture of what I look like so you can wipe away the image you’ve already painted yourself. I am- 6 foot 2 inches, 265 pounds and a size 13 shoe. I’m not a weak man. I am or was trusting. I have always loved to laugh, worked hard, and loved meeting new people. Now 10 days later, at 3:45 am sitting at my parents kitchen table, I am haunted by feelings of depression and of being dehumanized. Everything has stripped away from me. I feel like a shell of a person who once lived that abundant happy life. Suicide? Yea I've thought about everyday since then, but I mean who wouldn’t. these men stole something from me that I'll never get back. 5 days after the rape, I reported it. At the emergency room at Kansas University Hospital in KC, Missouri. I was put in room 42. I waited for what seemed like forever. Waited on the doctors and the sexual assault nurse to show up. MOCSA, an organization I called, sent a wonderful woman to sit with me and walk me through the steps, I’ll never forget her name,Brandy. She was corky, funny and made me feel at least somewhat calm. 5 hours after arriving the SANE nurse showed up, she was calm, voice was low , and cold…like she had been doing this all night. 5 medical professionals stared on and off at my naked body, while swabs and pictures were taken. This experience was horrible. It was cold. I just stared into Brandy’s eyes as she held my hands telling me I was doing great. Tears ran down my face but she would wipe them away. Medical professionals in general do not know how to treat male victims of sexual assault, at least that what it seemed like to me. Did you know 1 in 6 men will have been sexually assaulted by the age of 12, and that only 1 in 79, I believe will report it. I remember the morning I was talking to my aunt on the phone when I told her what happened. The hardest part was telling my parents, I felt so ashamed and lost and powerless. You can hear a million people tell you it will get better but it doesn’t feel that way. I struggle to sleep, eat, every morning I force the HIV prep kit pills they gave to me , I force them down with water as a constant reminder that I was raped and they didn’t use condoms. Meanwhile, my family and I struggle to find a way to afford the medicine the doctors prescribed, the medicine I have to have total in cost of almost $3728.00, that’s for 26 days worth, I think to myself I'm gonna go bankrupt trying to pay for these pills for something I didn’t want. There has to be a program out there to help, unfortunately the ones that are available do not help much. I even had a lady from the Missouri safe program ask me if I was sure I was rape. It breaks my heart knowing that there are people who would question someone about this. I was able to find a charity to help pay for the medicine. But still the cost of missing work and trying to find a therapist to help me deal with the pain, and the medical expenses for everything , any help from any one is greatly appreciated. Today, I will try to breathe a little deeper, go for a walk, drink my coffee a little slower. Today I will start this long journey of trying to gain back what was taken from me. Will I struggle? Yes. Will I want to give up? Yes. My whole life I have run from the problems that I fear most, but this morning as I sit here, listening to "gracefully broken"…I know god will not let me fail. Today- I start with a single step moving forward.