Help Me Divorce This Dick Already

Hi everyone! I am not sick, I have a home, and I'm not funding an indie film nor do I need to pay a bookie. 

I am still married to my abuser though so that fucking sucks. 

I'll try to keep it hella brief.

I have tried to get my divorce for two years. Begged for it. I stopped fighting as hard when a visit to gather his things turned into an assault because hey, let's have the worst thing to every happen to me be sparked by an argument over a tacky suede vest. 

Needless to say, after that, I didn't call much to ask what was the ETA for my freedom. I hid in LA and soon met the people that would build me back up after spending 5 years being broken into nothing. 

He's evaded my attempts at signing and yesterday after deciding that I've worked hard to rebuild my life since he left me living in my car, I fully intend to live it happily and that means making sure I'm not legally bound to the amalgamation of all of my worst fear. I decided to give him a call and figure out some shit. For the sake of explaining this Go Fund Me I will break down the conversation that followed to it's greatest hits:

"Who is this?"

"You probably deleted my  number-"

*Cue him being a dick a bunch and claiming to have blown his savings and lying to my family about every time we requested he file or sign anything we sent him because he wanted to attempt to contest it and did not have money for legal fees.*

*Cue me laying out some fun legal things I can't say here but let's just say him keeping everything and signing uncontested is the best option for him left unless he wants to be Billy Bush Buried*

Him: Give me $1500 and I'll file the fucking divorce.

Me: It's cool, I'll pay for it. Meet me in OC next month you broke ass bitch. 

I immediately hung up and realized three things. 

A: Everyone should get a chance to call their abuser a bitch. I don't ever want to drink again because nothing on earth is as intoxicating as calling someone you once feared a bitch. That same night I crossed the street in the middle of traffic because I felt literally invincible. If I could call him a bitch to his face before I die, I will transform into pure light and become part of the atmosphere. 

B: I do not have $1,500 laying around. 

C: We agreed to file uncontested and a quote for $1,500 sounded like an attempt to get the money from me or the sum quoted to a woeful idiot. 

I called every lawyer I knew and hit up the free legal consult at my job and learned $1,500 is in fact, an idiot sum. I can get this shit done for about $600. That amount I totally have part of and can be divorced be Christmas (Is that a country song? It should be a country song.)

So, the 300 is for the remaining fees. The paperwork, the filing, anything that I do not have at the moment but need to get done ASAP. I plan on having everything filed by the end of this month. Also like 20 bucks for a bottle of Henny I plan on consuming in celebration.

Here's my request, after all is said and done, we're having a party in December. A divorce karaoke party. After it's over and I am free I will save and throw a re-bachelorette party because I cannot find enough petty ways in the world to say "fuck you" to fill this petty heart of mine and the satisfaction of every action is delicious. 

So help me complete the biggest "fuck you" with a crowdsourced divorce. You don't even have to donate. Feel free to leave a fun note because I am absolutely printing the comments and leaving it in a manilla envelope on his front steps because no woman should feel afraid, or ashamed, or made to feel like a victim and thank god that was replaced by blind anger because imma bout to be a big fucking problem.